WHITE HOUSE LEAKER REVEALED! MINUTIA AND INCONSEQUENTIA Jesus Freaks the world over are shutting their eyes tight, sticking their thumbs in their ears and going "Nah-nah-nah-I-can't-hear-you!" over news that yet another link in the evolutionary chain of life on planet earth has been discovered in the remote Canadian tundra. The fossils in question, a group of six 375-million-year-old half-fish/half-reptiles, has been christened tiktaalik roseae, and look almost as ugly as their name. Looks don't much matter to University of Chicago biology professor Neil Shubin, however, who exclaimed about the discovery: "We're talking about the branch of the tree of life that gave rise to everything that has limbs, from amphibians, to mammals, to birds, to reptiles, to us, of course." This amazing discovery, coupled with recent findings that prayer doesn't do squat to help people recovering from heart surgery, should bring about the end of organized religion as we know it in about… oh, say a couple weeks or so. Homeland Security deputy press secretary Brian J. Doyle was charged with trolling the Internet for an underage sex partner this week, after getting caught in a Maryland vice squad cyber-sting. Ironically, part of Doyle's pick-up technique involved bragging about his job to the non-existent object of his wicked wooing, to the point of e-mailing images of himself in his snazzy DHS getup… because if there's one thing a 14 year old girl can't resist, it's an old white dude in a uniform. This is the second recent high-profile incident of a Homeland Security officer engaging in sex crime with minors, coming scant months after the arrest of Frank Figueroa, former head of the Tampa office of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, who got caught jerking off in front of a teenage girl at an Orlando mall. Ratcheting the "irony ante" to an almost unbelievable degree is the fact that Figueroa once headed up the DHS's Operation Predator, a program designed to find and deport non-citizens who commit sex crimes against children. And I say to myself, what a wonderful world. In further science news, British astronomers have spotted a vast cloud of alcohol in outer space measuring nearly two hundred BILLION miles across. Just to put this discovery in perspective, that's enough booze to keep busty, drunken co-eds doffing their tops over Florida's next dozen Spring Break seasons, at least. The implications for America's vitally important refreshing beverage industry are so staggering, in fact, that Preznit Dubya has called for a tripling of NASA's budget in the hopes of establishing a program that will enable the United States to reach this interstellar open bar before the Russians get there and drain it dry. Gee, I sure hope this isn't indicative of some new Republican tactic for retaining control of Congress in the upcoming mid-term elections. On October 6, 2003, Preznit Dubya addressed press questions about the revenge-outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame by stating the following: "This is a very serious matter, and our administration takes it seriously. ... We will cooperate fully with the Justice Department. ... I'd like to know who leaked, and if anybody has got any information inside our government or outside our government who leaked, you ought to take it to the Justice Department so we can, you know, find out the leaker." Of course, that was a long time ago, well before independent prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald indictied Dick Cheney's top assistant, Irving "Scooter" Libby, for his role in this ongoing national security disaster. This week, Fitzgerald's office released information showing that, according to Scooter's grand jury testimony, the Chief Leaker in this White House Leak-a-Palooza was none other than Preznit Dubya. When you combine Libby's revelations with evidence gleaned from those recently uncovered White House e-mails... do you think Dubya ever suspected himself? Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 5 On this day in the year 2348 B.C., Noah's ark runs aground on Mount Ararat. Yeah… right. On this day in 1621, the Mayflower sails from Plymouth on a return trip to England, taking back all the pathetic pussies who couldn't hack life in the New World. On this day in the year 1770, British troops kill five and wound several more after a sentry guard is taunted and pelted with snowballs at the Boston customs building. This event -- now called the Boston Massacre -- was instrumental in achieving popular support for the American Revolution. On this day in 1974, the World Trade Center first opens its doors. At the time, its Twin Towers were the world's tallest buildings… 110 stories high. On this day in 1987, upstart network FOX TV fires up its first night of programming, showcasing the proudly stupid sitcom Married With Children, and the proudly brainy sketchcom, The Tracey Ullman Show. Guess which one survived the longest? You know it, dumbass. On this day in 1994, Kurt Cobain decides it's better to burn out than to fade away. Either that, or Courtney paid someone to kill him. At least, that's what her dad says.

THEY SAID IT! "What I wanted to say to you is that I —- in my lifetime, I have never felt more ashamed of, nor more frightened by my leadership in Washington, including the presidency, by the Senate, and I would hope —- I feel like despite your rhetoric, that compassion and common sense have been left far behind during your administration, and I would hope from time to time that you have the humility and the grace to be ashamed of yourself inside yourself." - Something tells me that, after rubbing the Preznit's face in it, LIVE and on television, Harry Taylor is going to get one hell of an auditing. *** **** *** "You will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me." - So now that archeologists have dug up the Gospel of Judas, which had been lost for over 1,700 years, we find out that whole "crucifiction" thing was a set-up from the get-go. Sheesh. What a let-down.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Gilles! Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours." Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. "I want to return as a hen." And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said. "How do you like being a hen?" "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Rob asked. "Cluck twice, and then push all you can." Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Trembly Dale for sending in today's second joke. Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo! What the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't Mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my fucking house." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Dave... A drunk staggers into a Catholic church. enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally the Priest pounds heavily three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS RANT care of: Malcolm Magnus I was sittin' on the bowl, reading a Special Issue of Astronomy Magasine (I'm a space nut), I was reading an article about how the old Viking probes searched for life on the Martian surface and suddenly it hit me. Amazing how much the attitudes of the people here on Earth would change if a probe was to find something as simple as moss near one of the Martian polar ice caps. The current NASA paradigm for searching for life on the red rock is 'follow the water'. As it stands today ALL the water is frozen at the poles, which increase and decrease in size depending on the season. The religious right would argue any microbial life found there to be contamination from the probe itself despite strict international protocols regarding microbes and spacecraft. So, in order to conlusively prove life on other worlds based on Mars, the evidence would have to multi-cellular and visible to the human eye. Though lifeforms are found in extreme environments on Earth, they are mostly microbial in stature. And the environment on Mars is undeniably more extreme than anywhere on Earth, surface tempuratues average -63 C and are never higher than 20 C. The atmosheric density is less than 1 kPa at the surface. Compared to Earth's 101.23 kPa at Sea-level, Mars' air is as thin as Earth's at an altitude of 20 miles up. not that it matters to us since the Martian Atmosphere is totally unbreathable to Terran life, being 95.32% Carbon Dioxide. I'm on a rant, but the idea I'm trying to get across is that Mars is a pretty shitty planet on which to put all our major hopes of finding life in other places. NASA will find nothing, and the Religious right in the US and abroad will use that fact to put a serious damper on future scientific efforts for quite some time afterwards. - Malc [Jesus Freaks are only "pro-life" when it comes to biological organisms located in other people's bellies. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! EVERYONE HAS THIER RIGHT TO THE OPINION, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE DONE AFTER THE 9/11 INCIDENT. RUN WITH OUR TAIL BETWEEN OUR LEGS AND KISS OISMA'S ASS? I THINK YOU ARE A YELLOW BELLY ASSHOLE THAT SHOULD BE DEPORTED AND HUNG FROM THE NEAREST TRAFFIC LIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BIGGEST TOWN, WITNESSED BY THE MOST PEOPLE, AND THEN SCREWED IN THE GROUND, HEAD FIRST. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO THE FREEDOM THAT WE HAVE IN THIS COUNTRY, AND I'LL BET YOUR SWET AS THGAT YOU HAVE NEVER SERVED ONE DAY IN THE MILITARY, TO EARNB THE RIGHT TO THE FREEDOM WE AND EVERYONE HAS IN THE GOOD OLD USA. SINCERELY RUDY AL [Well put. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ -- The Italian electons begin on Sunday & right wing media mogul & President of The Italian Hair Club For Men, Silvio Berlusconi, is losing it... fast. This past weekend he stated that China under Mao "boiled down babies for fertilizer." And just yesterday he came out with this one: "The Left win in Italy? I don't think there are that many dickheads in the country." The word he used, "coglioni," literally means "balls" but is also used colloquially to mean "dickhead" or "asshole". So now there are rallies with people wearing t-shirts proudly proclaiming: "Io sono un coglione" -- I am a dickhead. Check out links to photos here. Balloons are also figuring prominently at these rallies. Why? Because they look like balls, you coglione! And on that note I bid you a fond fangu'--- YOPJack [Italian politics are always good for a laugh. - Jerky] *** **** *** Yo, Jerky! I hate to be like those other petty readers of the Dirt who jump at the opportunity to correct you, but in this case, I happened to see Walter Cronkite go on Larry King's show and say that Katie Couric will make a wonderful "new addition to our family at CBS News." This means, of course, that not only is he not rolling over in his grave, with Ed Murrow (as he is "not dead yet"), but he's in fact a lobotomized zombie who has been reprogrammed by his corporate overlords. Yikes! YOPJoe [The man is 90 years old. He's entitled to a little dementia. - Jerky] *** **** *** Me ol' Mate Jerky, Reading your article on Cindy Sheehan reminded me of something I had said to some fairly right wing (for then, now they would be considered somewhat left) friends of mine over twenty years ago. We were discussing the scintillating topic of the way we all thought the world would end up. I said in the conversation that I was more concerned about a breakdown of society as we knew it then than I ever was about a nuclear war. Of course they all laughed and, said no way! How blinkered, naive and just plain wrong we can all be some times! I stand by my little piece of pessimism though, and can now say that it is all happening as we all speak, courtesy of the far right wing conservatives, zealots and business, most of whom seem to think they have a God given "right" to everything including, dictating the terms for everyone's life and times! How much more and how much longer will this anti human and immoral crap go on for I wonder? There ain't going to be much, if anything left for our grand children I fear. Steve from Brisbane [Tearing it all down is the first step in The Powers That Be's plan to build it all back up in their image. Hence the trajectory of most current events. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; The White House is a Fag Palace. Charles Manson [Okay. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Check this link out... I think the Presnit and Company have what my son has. D.S.S. (Dip Shit Syndrome). Keep up the good work. You're actually pretty talented... and have a "way" with words. NFW [Thanks for the kind words. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Mr. Jerky... Lately we've been inundated with this bullshit about K Couric moving to Channel 13 or where ever to become Ms. Queen Bitch - News Anchor. (Yeah... I'd do her... but then I've never been too picky.) My question concerns something Katie Couric did during the Columbine Massacree that apparently pissed off a lot of people. I've tried to find out what she fucked up on but I can't dig up anything about it. Does the incident ring any bells with you or your readers? Cheers, Andy S. [Some people seem to think she blamed Columbine on the NRA. Maybe she did. Seeing as the NRA types tried to blame Columbine on Marilyn Manson and a lack of official forced prayer in schools, I frankly couldn't give less of a fuck. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com