CHUNKY NEWS BITS! HE SOLD HIS SOUL FOR ROCK AND ROLL! YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS! HONESTLY! England's recently orphaned Queen Elizabeth led a nationwide singalong to the Beatles' classic All You Need is Love, yesterday, as part of the ongoing celebration of her Golden Jubilee. Catholics in Ireland abstained from the festivities, however, choosing instead to simultaneously sing a different Fab Four selection: "Get Back, get back, get back to where you once belonged!" Afterwards, they all pounded down some peaty black stout and read aloud from Finnegan's Wake between drunken explosions of vomitty fisticuffs. According to a Reuters report, scientists in Taiwan have cloned pigs that carry genetic material from both human and pig cells. Roseanne Epstein Barr's reaction? "Been there, done that!" Rosie O'Donnell's reaction? "Talk about re-inventing the wheel!" Oprah Winfrey's reaction? "Finally, a substitute for beef! Slice me off a piece o' that tasty meat!" Yer old pal Jerky offers up these mildest of chuckles with apologies to human pigs, everywhere. On Tuesday, Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill - the wet-eyed hermaphrodite who cried while being questioned by Robert Byrd during a Senate Enron investigation a few months back - held a press conference to announce that he would be taking U2's Bono along during a visit to Africa this May. Later that same day, Bono held a press conference to announce that Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill would be joining U2 for on their upcoming world tour, as an opening act. Basically, O'Neill will tag along to explain his particular brand of free-market policy-making to "the kids," as he calls them, and maybe also to occasionally sit in with the band, on tambourine. Rock on! THE DAILY DIRT TOP TEN LIST! Due to the fact that their news division has been hemorrhaging money over the last couple years, head honchos at ABC have reportedly asked anchor Peter Jennings to take a substantial pay cut when his contract comes up for renegotiation in the next few weeks. Currently raking in an estimated ten million dollars per year, Jenning's bosses are allegedly gunning for him to accept an offer that would see him net a measly seven and a half million dollar. Which brings us to... The TOP TEN THINGS PETER JENNINGS will HAVE TO DO DIFFERENTLY when his PAY is CUT by 25%! 11. Will no longer be able to afford the nightly commute to his palatial estate in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. 10. For extra cash, he'll have to sell his boogers and fingernail clippings on Ebay. 9. He'll have to put three of his clones on ice, and the other two will lose their wine cellar privileges. 8. Plans for MTV's outrageous new reality/sitcom "The Jennings" have been put on indefinite hold. 7. No more of that frivolous "donating to charity" nonsense. 6. Will have to make do with such peasant meats as chicken, pork and beef now that condor, white rhinoceros and panda bear are out of his price range. 5. No more weekly full-body blood transfusions with that unidentified 1996 Olympian he secretly hired to eat right and exercise on his behalf. 4. He'll have to take on a second job dropping hog bungs. 3. Will have to fire the lady who chews his food for him. 2. Will henceforth wipe his ass with twenties instead of hundreds. 1. No more all-night heart-to-heart chat sessions with Miss Cleo.

ON THIS DAY April 26 On this day in 1937, the Nazis test the bombing capabilities of their newly inaugurated Luftwaffe air force on the tiny Spanish town of Guernica, with Generalisimo Francisco Franco's consent. For three hours, German planes poured bombs on the town in what was history's first ever bombing of purely civilian targets, a tactic that would later be enthusiastically adopted by both sides of the conflict, at the ultimate cost of millions of innocent lives. The attack inspired Picasso to paint his great masterpiece, Guernica. *** *** *** April 27 On this day in 1999, the first ever On This Day appears in the Daily Dirt! Here is the text, in its entirety... "On this day in 1921, the world's first motorcycle police patrols went on duty in London, England, thereby setting in motion the sequence of events which would ultimately lead to the creation of the CHiPs television series." *** *** *** April 28 On this day in the year 1914, W. H. Carrier patents the air conditioner, a machine that makes it possible for people to move south of the Mason-Dixon line without having to worry about losing their minds from the sticky, disgusting heat. Unfortunately, for the people who were born there, it's too little, too late.

QUOTES! "I think they didn't go far enough. If you're going to legalize it, legalize it. If you're not, don't. I'm highly trained in demolition. I can take C4 and put it in a shape charge and do it underwater, and blow up everything imaginable. But yet somehow the state of Minnesota doesn't think I'm qualified to shoot off a skyrocket. I take great offense at that." - Once-promising, now-embarrassing Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura comments on some piece of fireworks legislation he reluctantly signed into law. *** *** *** "Yale and the University of Pittsburgh each conducted autopsies of people in the US who had supposedly died of Alzheimer's. These studies found that 13 percent and 5.5 percent had actually died of another disease. Which one?" - Everything you know is wrong... or is it? Take the disinfo.com test and find out.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Stan Barker... The Queen is visiting a hospital and asks the first soldier, "And what are you in here for, soldier?" To which he replies, "Venereal disease." "Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?" "A wire brush and antiseptic." "Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?" "To get out of here and serve my country." "Well done, soldier," says the Queen and moves on to the next bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?" To which he replies, "Hemorrhoids." Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?" "A wire brush and antiseptic." "Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?" "To get out of here and serve my country." "Well done, soldier," says the Queen and moves on to the next bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?" To which he replies, "Strep throat." "Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?" "A wire brush and antiseptic." "Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?" "To get to the wire brush before those other two bastards!" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Billy Pruett. Forgive him. Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm afraid so -- I am the chip monk." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by BigDman. Q: What is the definition of a good friend? A: It is a guy who goes to town and gets two blow jobs and comes back and gives you one.

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Jerky! First off, let me say that I am a young woman who reads your column religiously and enjoys it more and more every week. Now, my question is this: In your opinion is there anything wrong with a woman who enjoys pornography? I donīt understand why the guys I date have a problem with me looking at porno movies, magazines and websites. Unlike most women, I am not going to lie and say that itīs nasty, because I donīt feel that way. I enjoy watching two (or more!) people get down and dirty... it turns me on! You'd think guys would like a girlfriend who was into porn! What's your opinion? Signed: Mileeza V Dear Mileeza; Perhaps it is your taste in porn which your mates find disturbing. Personally, I don't know of any red-blooded American man who doesn't enjoy watching, say, the latest Jenna Jameson vanilla-porn opus with his gal. However, no self-respecting guy likes to think his girlfriend is kinkier than he is. Therefore, popping in a copy of Nazi Fist Masters IX, Stump-Fuckers on Crack or Shag the Pony probably isn't the best way to kick off a first date.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: THE SECRET TO GETTING AHEAD: LICK BOOT! Care of: Mike Hoffman. Fundamentally I agree with kinglewis1 in April 24th's Daily Dirt. The U.S. is ruled by large corporations and the rich. This is the only segment of the population who has the money to throw at candidates. Let's face it, how many of us have the sixty million dollars necessary under our mattress to run for Congress? What kinglewis1 fails to mention - understandably so, since, he is summing up a book - is that we have class mobility. That is, if you have the desire and the brainpower to do it, you can jump classes. Hence, the overused adage that anyone can become president. While many of these power brokers have been born into a life of privilege, they can fail if they are inept, and drive their respective businesses into the ground. [This brings up some very interesting, and rather obvious, questions. - Jerky] Jumping into the power elite may not happen in one generation, but here is the path. Work really hard. Get a good education (Business, Engineering, Computer Science, Law, etc.) just something you can get a good paying job at. It doesn't have to be at Yale or Harvard, just a reputable College or University. Learn to play golf. This will let you rub elbows with the Elite and let them get to know you. Join the alumni association at your alma mater. This also lets you rub elbows with these people. If necessary get some charm lessons. No one likes a prick. [Except Madonna. - Jerky] Get a nice suit/dress and groom well. And whatever you do, do not point out how rich they are, no matter how much money they have, everyone thinks that they are pinching pennies, even if it is to pay off a 5 million dollar yacht. Now you may be saying that I can't afford college for my son/daughter. If they have good grades there is money available, you just have to look for it. It is easier to get scholarship money if you are of a minority background. There are many scholarships, grants, loans available for specific minority groups. Sorry, much of this information is too late for the readership of the Daily Dirt but it is not to late for your kids if you have them. Good luck. P.S. I come from a lower middle class family of poor immigrants. I am currently a college student at a Big 10 University about to graduate in _____ Engineering. And I plan to read the Dumhoff book as soon as I am finished with finals. [The competitive drive, the quest for monetary gain, the ambition to succeed... these are all wonderful things, in and of themselves. However, our current political situation notwithstanding, they are neither the ultimate goal of civilization, nor are they its sine qua non. I personally don't know anyone who would begrudge an entrepreneur the fruits of his or her labor. Most reasonable people, however, also agree that business and industry should adhere to paramaters set forth by our greater civil society, as provided for by our constitution, and as shaped by the democratic process. Unfortunately, things get complicated when you fold propaganda into the mix, especially when you contemplate some of the weird-ass people who are in a financial position to disseminate propaganda on a massive scale. There are some who try to stem the tide of bullshit, to fight back. But the Reason has nothing except the meek advantage of Truth over Greed, which is the radioactive, titanium-razor-toothed attack dog that the "Bad Guys" have bred to fight their battles for them. I want to be clear about this: I am not saying that the wealthy are inherently evil. The simple fact that someone has a ridiculous ammount of money does NOT immediately make him a bad person. On the other hand, neither does it confer upon him the right to use non-consenting "ordinary people" as pawns in a vast, real-life game of Monopoly, set up with rules that will always be - by design or by conspiracy, it doesn't really matter - completely beyond their ability to influence. And yet, despite the massive tipping of the scales in the moneyed elites' favor, yer old pal Jerky thinks we are fast approaching a breaking point, a time when it will simply be impossible to convince enough people to hand over any more of their personal sovereignty to either the government or an organized cabal of extra-governmental elites who operate as a de facto government. Then again, you know me... I'm the foolish Pollyanna! The doomed-to-be-disapointed, bright-eyed optimist! Anyway, good luck to you, too, Mike. You sound like a real nice guy. YOPJerky]

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